The Royal, Wooden Sceptre of the Notary of the Realm

So a couple of weeks ago, I was telling Carlisle about the time I spanked a customer while making bad notary jokes, at which point he unwittingly uttered a comment that revolutionized my entire existence.

Carlisle: “You know what would be funny? If you had a paddle with a notary seal on it.”

Me: [silent wonderment]

Carlisle: “Uh-oh.”

Me: “You are a goddamn genius.”

Carlisle: “Thanks, I think?”

Me: “There’s got to be someone out there who could make that happen.”

Carlisle: “Well, if it does happen, you should notarize me first.”

Me: “Deal.”

[two weeks later]


Carlisle: “What?”


I’m calling it the Notarizer. Or possibly Mjölnir.

Carlisle: “…”


Carlisle: “Where the hell did you find this?”

Me: “I ordered it from a shop on Etsy called L.V.X. Supply & Co. They specialize in occult and esoteric BDSM products. I am so damn happy right now.”

Carlisle: “Understandably.”

Me: “So, all set for your notarization?”

Carlisle: “Um… perhaps?”

It turns out that Carlisle had never been spanked before, and also that he didn’t think I’d go through with having the paddle made in the first place (he hasn’t known me that long). But I bribed him with the promise of top-shelf tequila, so he came into the store last night and begrudgingly dropped trou.

Me: “Ready?”

Carlisle: [bent over the front counter with his jeans around his ankles] “No.”

Me: “Great!”

[insert the most satisfying whack in the history of impact play here]

I immediately fell to my knees and stared at his ass like I was waiting for a Polaroid picture to develop, while Carlisle put some quality time into reassessing our friendship. And then…

Carlisle's Stamp
Identity verified. Please don’t sue me, Texas.

To sum up, I have never regretted an online purchase less in my life, and Carlisle has learned an important lesson about encouraging me to follow my dreams.


PS: While searching for customizable paddles, I also came across an Etsy shop called (wait for it) Deadhorse. Shut up and take my money, you marketing savants.

Author: Thumper (MJ)

Thumper Marjorie Forge is a Gardnerian High Priest, an initiate of the Minoan Brotherhood, a devout Discordian, a recovering alcoholic, and a notary public

10 thoughts on “The Royal, Wooden Sceptre of the Notary of the Realm”

    1. I posted the picture of the paddle in the IML contestants Facebook group and announced that it’s my goal to notarize as many of my fellow competitors as possible. I’m already making new friends. #FlaggingFuchsia

      Liked by 1 person

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