Chin Up, Young Leatherperson

Customer: *gasp* “You’re not wearing leather!”

Me: “Well, I’m not wearing a ton of leather, but I’ve got on wristbands and boots. Plus I brought a leather jacket with me.”

Customer: “I am very disappointed. I’m a leatherman, and this is supposed to be Houston’s leather bar, but there’s hardly anyone here, and no one is wearing leather! And it’s the perfect weather for wearing leather!”

Me: “It’s also 9 p.m. on the Saturday before Halloween. Everyone’s either at the big costume party at Rich’s, or one of the annual block parties. It’ll pick up later in the evening.”

Customer: “You know, I bought the kilt I’m wearing here.”

Me: “It’s a great kilt.”

Customer: “It’s not made correctly.”

Me: “It’s not?”

“No. It should wrap all the way around and button on the sides, not in the front.”

Me: “Ah. I see.”

Customer: “Oh, and I went by your main store this afternoon. Why don’t they keep any softer leather in stock?”

[Ed. Note: I pulled a double shift this particular day and was working in the main store when he came in. He complained that all the leather shirts were too small.]

Me: “We’ve got softer leather on order. It’ll be in soon.”

[Ed. Note: Pants on fire.]

Customer: [picking up a pocket flag] “What is this… a power symbol? Like, power top/power bottom?” [gesturing to all the hankies with a sigh] “I don’t understand all these colors. I’m just a leather guy.”

An hour later, my buddy Enzo came in and was all, “Um, some dude on the patio is thanking Carlisle for wearing leather.”

Me: “Is the dude wearing a kilt?”

Enzo: “Actually, yeah, he is.”

Me: “But it isn’t made correctly.”

Enzo: “How did you know that?!

I really should’ve smiled mysteriously and responded with something like, “The veil between worlds is thin when All Hallow’s Eve is at hand.” Instead I just told him that the guy had been in the store earlier, but it was extremely validating to have someone else interact with one of my customers and come away from the experience like, “the fuck just happened?” At least now I’ve got a character witness.

Author: Thumper

Thumper (Horkos) Marjorie Splitfoot Forge is a Gardnerian High Priest, an initiate of the Minoan Brotherhood, a Discordian Episkopos, a recovering alcoholic, and a notary public.

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