I’m writing the stage musical as we speak

I was playing around on Amazon a few months back, looking for state-of-the-art notary supplies (and witty T-shirts), but instead of self-inking stamps and one-click embossers, my search revealed a trashy romance novel:

I’d never actually read a trashy romance novel before, but hey, if it was about a trashy, romantic notary, it might as well be my memoirs, right? I downloaded it to my Kindle, read the first few pages, and quickly came to the conclusion that a) this book was crap, and b) this crap was awesome.

The gist of the story is as follows: Adrianna Morgan (the eponymous notary) gets lost on her way to a closing and ends up Bella Swanning into a drug deal gone wrong, thus finding herself in the arms of undercover cop Lucas Hunter. Then a lot of crazy shit and surprisingly little sex happens. Not wanting to bogart the hilarity, I posted a picture of the cover on Facebook, but all of my friends were like,”Whatever, dude. You clearly created this in Photoshop.” So I posted a screenshot of my favorite passage…

… and then everyone was like, “Wow. This book… actually exists.” In response I was like, “Hell yeah, it does, and you’re all going down with me.” And I started posting plot synopses and editorial comments every other hour using the hashtag #TrashyRomanceNovelUpdates, until half of my friends were like, “WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO US?!” and the other half were all, “WE’RE EMOTIONALLY INVESTED IN THE NARRATIVE.”

Out of loyalty to all both of my blog followers, I have lovingly compiled those posts into one long, comprehensive critique. I do want to point out that Adrianna is technically a notary signing agent, but I guess “I- I’m the signing agent” just doesn’t convey enough pathos.

Anyway, with all that said and done, I humbly present my Reader’s Digest Select Edition of… The Notary.

—

Adrianna just secretly admitted to herself that she wants Lucas to “relieve her of her wretched virginity.” Shit’s getting real over here.

—

Lucas: “What exactly is it that you do?”

Adrianna: “I’m a mobile notary.”

Lucas: “Which is?”

Not much of an investigator, our Lucas. Thank God he’s pretty.

—

Lucas is reading a trashy romance novel he found on Adrianna’s coffee table. It’s like a play within a play. I wasn’t prepared for this level of meta.

—

“He smelled good, musky and male, and the faint odor of bacon clung to his shirt.”

Well now I want to make out with him.

—

ADRIANNA’S WOMAN PARTS ARE THROBBING. REPEAT: HER WOMAN PARTS ARE THROBBING.

ETA: ADRIANNA ISN’T SURE WHY HER WOMAN PARTS ARE THROBBING. GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER, ADRIANNA.

—

Adrianna just cut the first love scene short to accept a mobile notary gig. I am so totally Team Adrianna right now.

—

“The cop in him was all too aware of the dangers to her, and the man in him wanted to protect her.”

Geez. If this is how Lucas feels about Adrianna being a notary, he’s going to go ballistic when she figures out the real money’s in process serving.

—

“Adrianna told herself she should be insulted by such an arrogant display of ownership. Should be angry to be treated like a piece of property by this way too domineering man…”

So of course she shoved her tongue down his throat. I’m not Team Adrianna anymore.

—

Lucas has decided that Adrianna is too soft and innocent for a dangerous man like himself, so he’s just going to walk away, but not before making sure she’s “too sexually satisfied to regret their time together.” Meanwhile, Adrianna’s all, “ZOMG we’re holding hands!! Are we a couple?!”

TWO DAYS these people have known each other.

—

Adrianna just pulled into a parking garage and was all, “I’m sure my car will be fine here for a couple of hours.” She’s clearly not about to get kidnapped by the local drug cartel, so don’t even think it.

—

Lucas has had an erection for like six chapters. That can’t be healthy.

—

Okay, so now they’re back at her place, and Adrianna’s womanly center is burning with a need that only Lucas can fill.

I really did think she was going to get kidnapped in that parking garage, though.

—

Adrianna’s center is also quivering and weeping. I feel like she might want to get that checked out.

—

“That’s it, baby. Ride it out.”

Lucas. Dude. She doesn’t have a charley horse. Seriously, work on your dirty talk.

—

OMG Lucas just said, “Sorry, beautiful. I don’t do virgins.” So Adrianna THREW HIM OUT. TEAM ADRIANNA FTW.

—

Adrianna went on a date with a polite, respectful man she met at a nightclub, but the local drug cartel ran their car off the road, and now they’re both in the hospital.

You can tell it’s fiction, on account of she met a polite, respectful man at a nightclub.

—

Lucas: “Hey, sorry I was so vile to you last chapter and broke your heart or whatever. Want to come over to my place and take a bubble bath?”

Adrianna: “And how!”

—

The head of the local drug cartel uses a solid gold tube to snort cocaine off of a desk “made of six different kinds of exotic wood, including ebony and Carpathian elm.” He is EVIL and WEALTHY and this is NOT HAM-FISTED at ALL.

—

Lucas gave Adrianna a hickey and was like, “I’m sorry, honey. But that pretty neck of yours was too much of a temptation.” AAARGH. If some douchebag said that to me, I’d set him on fire and be all, “I’m sorry, honey. But you looked chilly.”

—

Lucas is taking Adrianna TO MEET HIS MOTHER, and she’s like, “Maybe everyone will assume this hickey is another bruise from the car accident?”

I am so ready for her to get abducted by the drug cartel. I hope they keep a deprogrammer on staff.

—

“His virginal little notary had turned into a wildcat in his arms. If not for the car of smartasses that drove by, Lucas wasn’t too sure if he wouldn’t have taken her right there, in the back seat of his car, in his mother’s driveway.”

No comment.

—

Welp, Lucas and Adrianna finally had sex, and the drug cartel didn’t burst in on them or ring the doorbell or leave a voicemail or anything. I’m vaguely disappointed.

—

They’re officially on their first date, and Lucas asked Adrianna to move in with him, because of course he did. And she said yes, because of course she did.

And then the drug cartel showed up and kidnapped them, because about damn time.

—

Lucas: [kills seven men in front of Adrianna]

Adrianna: “I love you.”

Lucas: “Let’s get the hell out of here, and I’ll show you exactly how much I love you.”

Adrianna: *giggles*

Me: [that face Bea Arthur made at least once per Golden Girls episode]

—

“Marry me, honey. And quit that damn notary work.”

So… will she or won’t she? Which way will she go?!

Cliff. Fucking. Hanger.

The End.

Thank Christ.

—

And that was The Notary, by Cheryl Yeko. Ms. Yeko has written a number of other books, including Mountain Hero, Rodeo King, and My Sexy Valentine, but until she bangs out The Notary 2: Adrianna’s Revenge (“Last time, she lost her virginity; this time, she’s lost her MIND…”) Soul Mate Publishing will not see another dime of my money.