Verily in the Name of the Most Peaceful Siddhārtha Gautama Do I Smite Your Ass

Maybe it’s because I grew up watching cartoons like Transformers and M.A.S.K., but I’ve always been fascinated by everyday things that morph organically or mechanically into other things. So imagine my delight when I was doodling around on Amazon and came across the following:

Buddha Beads

To be clear, this is a mala — a set of prayer beads traditionally used for Buddhist or Hindu meditation — which can be quickly repurposed to pound an assailant into grits. And while that alone was more than enough to make me slam the Buy Now button, the product description went above and beyond to seal the deal:

Buddha Beads Deets

Capable of demolishing a zip-top can and blessed by eminent monks?! It’s like two Diwalis this year!

While I certainly hope I never find myself in a situation where I’d have to use it to defend myself, it is otherwise the perfect accessory to wear to the Texas All-State Spanking Party in June, which, by the by, I’m totally forcing Rok to attend with me. I’m going to feel like a James Bond and/or Quentin Tarantino character when, during a demo, I mindfully unwind the beads from my wrist and run them slowly through my fingers in a moment of quiet contemplation, then haul back and go medieval on my play partner’s cakes before delivering the coup de grâce with my trusty Notarizer.

This is going to be the best kinkster conference ever. I’ll post pictures after I get a standing ovation. Or after Rok has to set something on fire to create a diversion while I flee the building. Whichevs.

ETA: Nuke is now coming with us. This road trip just went from “let’s have an adventure” to “let’s ask the producers if we can play ourselves in the movie.”

Author: Thumper (MJ)

Thumper Marjorie Forge is a Gardnerian High Priest, an initiate of the Minoan Brotherhood, a devout Discordian, a recovering alcoholic, and a notary public

3 thoughts on “Verily in the Name of the Most Peaceful Siddhārtha Gautama Do I Smite Your Ass”

  1. I’m also a big fan of dual-purpose accessories, but I’m mostly all about the hidden knife pendants. I think they’re actually illegal to wear in my city (depending on the length of the blade), but that’s why they’re HIDDEN. What they don’t know won’t hurt them… I mean, until I have to stab somebody, I guess.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. As a connoisseur of ‘things people put in their car to make them more deadly to the occupants’, seeing “Car Decoration” in the advertisement kicked this lovely item RIGHT into second place on the list.

    Thanks for sharing! 😀

    PS: Additional marketing ideas – self-defense ben-wa balls, and/or anal beads.


    Liked by 3 people

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: