Exchange of Fools

Customer: “Hi. I just bought this BDSM starter kit, but the collar is too small for my neck.”

Me: “You know, the collars in those kits are all the same size, so I’m afraid there aren’t any larger ones available.”

Customer: “Well, can I switch it out for a different item?”

Me: “Since it’s part of a kit, I’m not able to exchange it on its own. But you could run by our main store tomorrow and see if they can add an extender for you.”

Customer: “I already tried that. They said no.”

Me: “You… just now went over there?”

Customer: “Yeah. I know the owner. He said he couldn’t do it. Can’t I just exchange it?”

Me: “You know Rok and Tank?”

Customer: “Who?”

Me: “I ask, because the main store is open Monday through Saturday, 12 p.m. to 7 p.m., and it’s currently 8 p.m. on a Sunday.”

Customer: “… Oh.”

Me: “So maybe you can drop by there tomorrow?”

Customer: [weakly] “Yes, please.”

Thing is, nobody’s tried the “I know the owner” trick on me in ages. If more customers don’t start lying to my face, my natural cynicism is going to atrophy, and since it’s the only thing that keeps me going, I’ll waste away and won’t even be able to bathe or feed myself, much less work in retail.

Someone send over a bevy of sociopaths ASAP. I’ll stay open late for them and draw renewed strength from their woefully overconfident attempts at manipulation.

Author: Thumper (MJ)

Thumper Marjorie Forge is a Gardnerian High Priest, an initiate of the Minoan Brotherhood, a devout Discordian, a recovering alcoholic, and a notary public

3 thoughts on “Exchange of Fools”

  1. Hi, I went to see the owner at the main store who couldn’t add an extender to the collar, but I didn’t bother to ask to exchange it while I was there at the main store talking to the owner, so now I’m asking you who is not an owner.

    Like, if you’re gonna lie about knowing the owner, at least go all in and say, “They told me to come here to exchange it for a new item.” I mean, it still wouldn’t get anywhere because the first law of retail is “no exceptions unless the owner tells me their own goddamn self you unscrupulous lying fuck,” but at least I could respect the attempt.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I found ______________ ___________________ for ___________________.
    (an item) (online/at another store) (a significant discount)
    Sell it to me for that, or I’ll buy it ____________________.
    (online/at the other store)

    Liked by 1 person

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