The first rule of Mala Club is that we only talk about Mala Club with our fellow service providers

[Ed. Note: The following story takes place prior to me ordering a set of Self-Defense Buddha Beads, which, incidentally, arrived yesterday, and which also set off a manic desire for even more accessories that double as surprise armaments. Anyway, before I complete my transformation into a terribly fashion-forward weapons locker, let it be known that I have, in the past, utilized spiritual devices for their intended spiritual purposes, and not just to smack people around at kink awareness seminars. With that understood…]

Hindustani Convenience Store Clerk: “Hello! How are you today?”

Me: “Doing well, thanks!” [I place my purchases on the counter and notice a strand of prayer beads wrapped around his wrist.] “And hey, I like your mala.”

HCSC: “What?!” [suspiciously] “How do you know what a mala is?”

Me: “Because I have one, too.”

HCSC: “Did you get it as a souvenir somewhere?”

[Inner Me: He thinks you’re appropriating his culture. Nice going, colonizer.]

Me: “I… found it at a curio shop over near the Galleria.”

HCSC: “Okay… but why do you have one?”

Me: “Well, sometimes I use it to meditate, and sometimes I use it to pray to Ganesha.”

HCSC: “You pray to Ganesha.”

Me: “I do.”

[uncomfortably long silence]

HCSC: “Pray to Him on Tuesdays. He likes milk and fresh fruit as offerings.”

Me: “Noted.”

In related news, I seem to have wandered a wee bit too far down the personal protection rabbit hole: What started as, “Neat! This pendant can be used to break a window in case of emergency,” has become, “Interesting! I did not expect the Smith & Wesson heat-treated baton to receive better performance reviews than the ASP Agent-40 series, although the United Cutlery Night Watchman is really a bargain, considering the comparable construction.” This might be a good time to check in with Ganesha and ask Him for clarity as I weigh out my options, or maybe see if He’d be willing to disable my credit cards until I confirm that I’m caught up on bills.

ETA: All bills paid. And I’m going with the Smith & Wesson, because I’m from Texas, and that’s how things are done around here. Ohm Shree Ganesh, y’all.

Author: Thumper (MJ)

Thumper Marjorie Forge is a Gardnerian High Priest, an initiate of the Minoan Brotherhood, a devout Discordian, a recovering alcoholic, and a notary public

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