Their logo should be a Betamax wearing an ironic fedora

[An online conversation between myself and Nuke.]

Nuke: “So we’re going to have to recant all of our artisanal solvent jokes, because we start stocking them tomorrow.”

Me: “Awesome. Whenever someone asks me which brand I prefer, I’m going to say, ‘You probably haven’t heard of it.’

“We’re carrying their eucalyptus-peppermint blend.”

Me: “…”

Nuke: “And sage-frankincense.”

Me: “Please tell me you’re making this up.”

Nuke: “Nope. Their slogan is ‘Farm to Disco.'”


Nuke: “I couldn’t if I tried. I’m not that witty.”

Me: “I’m going to be so pissed off if this turns out to be an elaborate hoax.”

And suddenly Rok sent me a message that read, “It’s not a hoax,” which scared the shit out of me, because clearly Big Solvent had hacked my social media. But then I remembered that Nuke and Rok live together and were probably just texting me from the same room, which made me feel a little less like the victim of multiple, interlocking conspiracies.

So then I messaged my friend Leigh in San Francisco and was like, “Dude. We’re selling ethically-sourced peppermint solvents.” And he went, “Oh, Double Scorpio? They’re very popular.” Apparently, they’ve been advertising on Tumblr for the past year, and I’m like the only gay man with Internet access who wasn’t aware of that, which means it’s probably time to slip on a pair of Sansabelts and threaten to turn the hose on any kid who gets near my lawn.

PS: Rok keeps saying that sage-scented solvents are basically just liquid smudge sticks, and therefore using them would be entirely spiritual and in no way a relapse. Yeah. I may not know what to believe anymore, but that totally still feels like a trap.

Author: Thumper

Thumper (Horkos) Marjorie Splitfoot Forge is a Gardnerian High Priest, an initiate of the Minoan Brotherhood, a Discordian Episkopos, a recovering alcoholic, and a notary public.

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