The makers of Flonase need to hurry up and offer me an executive position before a competitor whisks me away to sell patented steroid inhalants to children.

Customer 1: “Here are all the poppers.”

Customer 2: “We’re not supposed to call them poppers.”

Customer 1: “Oh, right. Here are all the sniffles.”

Customer 2: “…”

Customer 1: “Would you care for some sniffles?”

While I’m always amused by creative euphemisms for solvents, “Sniffles” sounds like an over-the-counter sinus spray for kids. Their mascot should be a cartoon teddy bear with an adorable, stuffy-nosed voice. And his name should be Sniffles, too. Oh, my God, this is going to be a groundbreaking advertising campaign that is in no way rooted in plagiarism and/or copyright infringement. I look forward to raking in my first million by the end of this week.

He’s holding a tissue, not a blanket. I’m not even sure why I have to explain that. Anyway, I’d like a corner office with a sitting area and a view, please. And a sassy gay assistant.