Colonel Marjorie R. Jessup, Olive Drab

[A customer and his straight female friend enter the store. After the requisite pointing and sniggling, they start poking through a selection of leather armbands.]

Customer: “Which color means I’m versatile?”

Me: “Color really doesn’t denote versatility. However, you could wear a band and your left arm to identify as a top, or on your right to identify as a bottom, or both to identify as vers.”

Customer: “So which color would that be?”

Me: “It’s all about placement, not color.”

Straight Female Friend: [holding up a black armband] “What does this one mean?”

Me: “A black leather armband means you like wearing black leather.”

[This is hysterical, apparently.]

Customer: [wiping away tears of helpless laughter] “Seriously, though. Which one means vers?”

Me: “There isn’t an armband that means vers. You’d have to wear one on each arm.”

Customer: “People really do that?”

[I hold up my hands and display my leather wristbands for inspection.]

Customer: “… Oh. Okay. So which color am I?”

Me: “That would depend on what you’re into.”

Customer: “So all of these colors mean different things?”

Me: “Yes.”

Customer: “But people don’t actually walk around with them, right?”

[I swivel, revealing my fuchsia pocket flag.]

Customer: “Wow. You’re, like… prepared.” [He turns to his SFF.] “Which is your favorite color?”

SFF: [brandishing a teal hanky] “I like this one! What’s it mean?”

Me: “Cock and ball torture.”

Customer: “…”

SFF: [runs away]

While I’m happy with how this played out, to save time in the future, I’m going to work on a recognizable Jack Nicholson impersonation and scream, “YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH” anytime a heterosexual wanders into the shop. Scaring them off before they ask questions will really cut down on the repetitive educational talks that eat up so much of my workday.

Author: Thumper (MJ)

Thumper Marjorie Forge is a Gardnerian High Priest, an initiate of the Minoan Brotherhood, a devout Discordian, a recovering alcoholic, and a notary public

4 thoughts on “Colonel Marjorie R. Jessup, Olive Drab”

  1. I won’t do this, and I swear on everything I hold holy (right now, an HO scale Acela, but these things change day to day) I will NEVER do this to you…

    But I so want to come into the store, and start asking questions. The dumb heterosexual ones I’ve read here, at first, of course. Then slowly segue to wrong. “I’m colorblind with synesthesia, can you tell me what meaning these have? They’re blueberry and cat urine.”

    Liked by 1 person

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