[A conversation between myself and my bestie/artistic collaborator Sarah.]
Me: “I need a new domain name.”
Sarah: “Oh?”
Me: “Yeah. I got invited to a networky, business-card-trading thing, but the organizer said that DomTopNotary might be a wee bit too out there for the other professionals. What do you think of RansomNotary.com?”
Sarah: “To be honest, I’m not sure that alluding to criminal offenses will be well-received by the unimaginative. I personally like the name, but I can’t recommend it.”
Me: “Huh.”
Sarah: “With DomTop, I felt like you were just being true to yourself, and therefore willing to accept the repercussions of reduced marketability. So, do you want the new name to be edgy for edgy’s sake? Or reflective of you, but in a way that won’t make conservatives clutch their pearls?”
Me “The second one, I think.”
Sarah: “Doesn’t Mercury rule notaries? ‘Mercury Notary’ doesn’t sound right, but what about a sly association like ‘Quicksilver Notary Services?'”
Me: “Mercury and Saturn both rule notaries. Looking at epithets as we speak… Ooh, what about caducifer? It means ‘He Who Carries the Herald’s Staff.'”
Sarah: “I don’t know. The ones who figure out how to pronounce it are going to think Satan is involved just because it rhymes. And rhyming leads to dancing, so that’s gotta be the devil’s work.”
Me: “Phooey. Maybe diactorus? It means either ‘guide’ or ‘messenger.'”
Sarah: “That will just read as weird. Go less intellectual. ‘Regular’ people distrust smart people. The vast majority of even college-educated people never read a book again after they leave school.”
Me: “And I have dated most of them.”
Sarah: “Hah! Oh, hey, also, unless this is an LGBTQ event, many of the people involved will be conservative or libertarian. Like the crazy lady who owned that health food store. Or worse.”
Me: “Hmm. I could go with fugill.com, after Thomas Fugill. He was the first notary commissioned in the US.”
Sarah: “That sounds innocuous and appropriate. But expect to explain eleventy-billion times that it isn’t your name.”
Me: “Coincidentally why I’m not using St. Mark in the domain.”
Sarah: “Right.”
Me: “Although signaturebymark.com isn’t taken…”
Sarah: “Sounds like a men’s fashion line from the early 1980s.”
Me: “SIGNATURE BY MARK IS A VALID METHOD OF EXECUTING A DOCUMENT.”
Sarah: “And available exclusively at Neiman Marcus.”
Me: “I’m going to buy that domain just to spite you.”
Sarah: “Understandable.”
Me: “What about takenotary.com?”
Sarah: “Implies something other than an equal exchange of cash and services. And if you read a lot of historical novels, it has a sexual connotation. ‘Take me, my beloved notary! Take me right here in this moving carriage! I don’t care if John Coachman hears! I want the entire world to know of our love!‘”
Me: “FINE. Let’s go back to planetary associations.”
Sarah: “Okay.”
Me: Mercotary. Hermotary. Saturnotary.”
Sarah: “Bibbity bobbity boo.”
Me: “…”
Sarah: “I do like Saturn, though.”
Me: “Chronotary?”
Sarah: “I can’t say anything against chronotary, other than some people might expect you to be chronically ill. Although the more I think about it, some allusion to Chronos is good. It implies a good relationship with time — like, you’ll be quick — but also that you might eat all of your young.”
Me: “That is he most entrepreneurial thing you have ever said.”
Sarah: “I KNOW, RIGHT?”
I figure the right name will eventually present itself, or else Sarah will get tired of being the voice of reason and let me run with something ridiculous. In the meantime, I may start another side project and write a series of cozy mysteries featuring Caducifer Fugill, an amiable yet wily notary public. Maybe he and Thumper Forge can join forces and take down a shadowy cabal of shifty librarians or something. I can’t wait to see who gets cast in the PBS adaptation.
UPDATE: Carlisle just won the Internet with SignedStampedDelivered.com. Go home, other domains. You’re drunk.
Marjorie's Forgeries 