Guest-starring Trixie Mattel as the Coworker Who Doesn’t Get Paid to Judge Me

Me: [poking around in the main store’s supply closet] “Hey, do we have any toothpaste or mouthwash or anything?”

Seth: “We do not, unfortunately,”

Me: “Darn. I’ve got a weird taste in my mouth.”

Seth: “What did you eat that caused it?”

Me: “A cheeseburger from a gas station.”


Seth: “Honey.”

Me: “What? It probably won’t kill me.”

Seth: “Honey.”

Me: “I mean, I didn’t look at the nutritional information, but I’m pretty sure there wasn’t any actual meat in it.”



Rok: [overhearing] “Gas station cheeseburger? Is that the new polari way of saying, ‘I sucked some unsavory dick’?”

Me: “IT IS NOW.”

Seth suggested that I clock in and then run to a convenience store for oral hygiene products, but I was like, “No. Every time I do something I’m not supposed to, Tank magically appears and catches me.” And right on cue, Tank texted to say that he’d changed the lock on the bar store, and that he would come up and let me in if my key didn’t work.

Is there a polari expression for, “My boss is psychic but only uses his powers to terrorize me”? Because there totally should be. Or at the very least a quaint German term.

Author: Thumper

Thumper (Horkos) Marjorie Splitfoot Forge is a Gardnerian High Priest, an initiate of the Minoan Brotherhood, a Discordian Episkopos, a recovering alcoholic, and a notary public.

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