Color Guard

Customer: [pointing to an olive green jockstrap] “What does this color mean?”

Me: “Well, according to the Hanky Code, olive green means military, but the color of a particular jockstrap doesn’t really mean anything.”

Customer: “I don’t follow.”

Me: “Some people wear certain colors as flags, but some just wear colors they happen to like. The only way to tell if someone is into a kink or fetish is if they have a hanky in their back pocket.”

Customer: [pointing to another jockstrap with alternating black, white and maroon stripes] “So what does this one mean?”

Me: “That one definitely doesn’t mean anything.”

Customer: “But all the colors have meanings.”

Me: “They do in the Hanky Code, but that doesn’t necessarily translate to other articles of clothing. Like I said, flagging a hanky is the only real way to tell what someone’s into.”

Customer: “No, it’s not.”

Me: “I mean, it really kinda is…”

Customer: “Wrong. I like sucking dick, so I wear a light blue baseball cap turned to the left.”

[Ed. note: If we’re really going to split hairs on this, he should have his cap turned to the right. But let’s not encourage him.]

Carlisle: [who’d moseyed into the store at some point] “A light blue hanky does signify an interest in oral sex. And it’s cool if a light blue hat signifies your individual interest in oral sex. But someone else might not realize that that’s what you’re looking for, unless you’re flagging a light blue hanky.”


[I point to the multihued array of hankies affixed to the side of the lube display.]

Customer: “Okay, fine. But nobody uses them anymore.”

[I point to my pocket flag.]

Customer: “Listen, I’m 60 years old, and I’m telling you that nobody uses hankies anymore. I only carry one in case I need to blow my nose. Say, do you boys ever travel?”

He went on to tell us all of the things we needed to do and see when we go to Amsterdam and Brussels, then asked if we’d ever been to Palm Springs. Carlisle mentioned that he’d recently gotten back from Palm Springs Leather Pride, which naturally led to…

Customer: “Which sex clubs did you go to while you were there?”

Carlisle: “I stayed at the Bearfoot Inn, but I didn’t go to any sex clubs.”

Customer: “I’m not asking where you stayed. I’m asking which sex clubs you went to.”

Carlisle: “I didn’t go to any sex clubs.”

Customer: “But which sex clubs did you go to?”

Carlisle: “…”

I feel like a lot of the above conversation could’ve been avoided if we’d just thrown an “OK Boomer” at him and then hidden under the counter. Lesson learned on that one.

The Hanky Code for Boomer would be either brown corduroy or gray flannel, by the way, depending on whether one leans towards headmasters or business suits. Or maybe it would just be a book of S&H Green Stamps. I’ll do some research and get back to you.

Author: Thumper

Thumper (Horkos) Marjorie Splitfoot Forge is a Gardnerian High Priest, an initiate of the Minoan Brotherhood, a Discordian Episkopos, a recovering alcoholic, and a notary public.

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