The Pied Thumper of Hamelin

[The bar has just announced final last call, and I’m getting ready to close up for the night, when an extremely drunk lesbian teeters into the store, places two beer bottles on the counter, and stares at me.]

Me: “May I help you?”

Lesbian: “Bleuurrrfriend.”

Me: “Pardon me?”

Lesbian: “Girrrrrl.”

Me: “…”

Lesbian: “Friennngh.”

Me: “You’re… looking for your girlfriend?”

Lesbian: [blank stare]

Me: “A girlfriend in general?”

Lesbian: [blank stare]

Me: “Huh.”

[Another customer comes up to the side of counter.]

Customer: “Hi. I’d like to buy this hat, please.”

Me: “Sure.” [to the lesbian] “I need you to move over a little, so that he can check out.”

[She sways to the right just enough for him to reach the card reader. He pays and leaves. She continues to stare at me.]

Me: “Okay. Closing time.”

Lesbian: [blank stare]

Me: “It’s time to close.”

Lesbian: “… No.”

Me: “Yes. We’re closing”

Lesbian: “Girrrlfriennd.”

Me: “You’ve gotta go, hon.”

Lesbian: [blank stare]

Me: “I mean it.”

Lesbian: “Gimme… girl…”

Me: “Nope. Please leave.”

Lesbian: [blank stare]

Me: “Right, then.”

[I take the two beer bottles away from her and walk out of the store.]

Lesbian: [shuffling after me, arms outstretched] “Wai…”

I thought about dumping the beers in the trash, but instead just left them on a ledge by the entrance to the bar. I scooted around the lesbian as she lurched for them and dove back into the store to finish closing, and I whistled a happy tune as a bouncer escorted her out.

Point being, if you’ve got a fair village overrun with inebriated Sapphics, my rates are reasonable. Rats and children not included.

Author: Thumper

Thumper (Horkos) Marjorie Splitfoot Forge is a Gardnerian High Priest, an initiate of the Minoan Brotherhood, a Discordian Episkopos, a recovering alcoholic, and a notary public.

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