Go directly to Hell. Do not pass Go, do not collect $200.

Customer: “Let’s see what junk you have today.” Me: “What… kind of junk are you looking for?” Customer: “I’ll take a bottle of English Gold Label.” Me: “Coming right up!” Customer: “Not that it matters. They’re all the same junk.” [Ed. Note: This impertinent blend of heirloom corrosives offers sparkling citrus top notes with hints … Continue reading “Go directly to Hell. Do not pass Go, do not collect $200.”

We’re Going to Need a Glass Pipe and a Protractor

Carlisle, Rok, Nuke, and Nuke’s boyfriend (Scrappy) were all hanging out with me in the store last night, but we could barely hear each other, on account of the music from the bar was blasting at skull-shattering levels. So when Carlisle said something about bubble bath (which made sense in context), everyone else went, “Bubble … Continue reading “We’re Going to Need a Glass Pipe and a Protractor”

Waiting to Inhale

Customer: “Which of these solvents is your favorite?” Me: “Y’know, I don’t use them myself.” Customer: “You don’t use solvents?” Me: “Nah.” [beat] Me: “I use straight-up paint thinner.” Customer: [leaves quickly] One of these days, I’ll finally accept that my terribly droll flavor of sarcastic wit is not to everyone’s delicate taste. But oh, trust, I … Continue reading “Waiting to Inhale”

An Epic Lack of Clapping Back

Customer: [gesturing to the solvents, attempting to look sly] “Are these… what I think they are?” Me: “Yes, they are.” Customer: “How much is a small bottle?” Me: “$12.99.” Customer: “Would you take $10?” [flashes ten-dollar bill like he’s trying to bribe a maître d’] Me: “No, I would not.” He ended up buying a bottle anyway, … Continue reading “An Epic Lack of Clapping Back”

We also carry video head cleaner, but we’re fresh out of liquid incense

Customer: “Do you sell poppers?” Me: “No.” Customer: “Oh.” Me: “But we do have a fine selection of solvents and polish removers.” Customer: [blank stare] Me: “Retail establishments in Texas are prohibited from selling alkyl nitrites or any related chemical compounds for recreational purposes. However, we’re able to keep these products in stock, with the … Continue reading “We also carry video head cleaner, but we’re fresh out of liquid incense”