Straight Girl: “I’d like some amyl nitrate, please.”
Me: “Ah. Well, it would be illegal for us to sell amyl nitrate for recreational purposes, but we do carry a fine selection of solvents and polish removers.”
Straight Girl: [scrutinizing the solvents display] “Are these just what you have today?”
[Inner Me: This isn’t a farmers market, Rebessica.]
Me: “These are… what we have in stock.”
[She makes a selection and leaves, at which point a lesbian couple enters the store.]
Lesbian 1: [pointing to the solvents] “What are these? What did she just buy?”
Me: “These are solvents and polish removers.”
Lesbian 1: “So what are they for?”
Me: “Definitely not recreational purposes. But if one were to use them recreationally, one would inhale them, which would cause a brief sense of euphoria and muscle relaxation.”
Lesbian 1: “Okay… but why?”
Me: “Because afterwards, you’d be able to fit almost anything in your butt.”
Lesbian 1: “Ooh! Which ones should we try?” [to her partner] “Which ones do we want?”
Lesbian 2: “Wait… how do you use them again?”
Lesbian 1: “You drink them.”
Me: “Please don’t drink them. If you were going to use them recreationally — which, again, would be illegal — you would inhale them.”
Lesbian 2: “I don’t know. I’m nervous about this.”
Random Gay Dude: [bounding across the store, bottle of solvents in hand] “Here! Try mine!”
Me: “DO NOT OPEN THAT BOTTLE IN HERE.”
Everyone: “…”
Me: “We’re not opening any solvents in the store. If you’ve never used them before, I recommend Rush, which will be fairly mild compared to the other brands.”
[They briefly confer, then agree to buy the Rush. As they exit, a terribly pretty twink enters the store, holding a bottle of Double Scorpio Emerald with his thumb over the top.]
Twink: “Can you give me another one of these?”
Me: “Can I… give you one?”
Twink: “Uh-huh. I lost the cap to this one.”
Me: “I can’t give you another, but I can sell you one.”
Twink: [rolling his eyes] “That’s what I meant.”
Me: “Okay. That’ll be $21.64.”
[He sets the bottle on the counter and reaches for his wallet. The cap is indeed missing, and the store quickly fills with the refreshing aroma of eucalyptus.]
Me: “TAKE THAT OUTSIDE.”
Twink: “Huh?”
Me: [with a hand over my nose and mouth] “Cover it back up, take it outside to the patio, and throw it away.”
Twink: “Ugh. Fine.”
[He steps into the bar and tosses the bottle in the trashcan next to the door.]
Twink: “Can I have another one now?”
There’s a common myth that koalas are constantly intoxicated from eating fermented eucalyptus leaves. While it’s patently untrue, it was pretty much the only thing I could think about as I wiped down the counter and attempted to breathe through my eyes.
I’m going to make a new sign that says, “No solvents available until I recover from selling them.” And maybe another that says, “If you’ll look to your left, you’ll notice we also sell leather.” Just, y’know, in case anyone’s actually interested in it.
Marjorie's Forgeries 