Hat Trick

Drunk Straight Dude: [pointing at a Nasty Pig baseball cap] “I like this hat!”

Gay Friend: “Ooh, you don’t want to wear that.”

DSD: “Why not?”

GF: “All the colors mean something.”

DSD: [to me] “So what is this?”

Me: “That’s a hat.”

DSD: “Um… yeah. But what does it mean?”

Me: “The only time color has a meaning is if you’re flagging a hanky. Hats don’t really mean anything on their own.”

DSD: “But if this hat meant something, what would it be?”

Me: “Well, it’s maroon, so if it were a hanky, it would mean blood play.”

DSD: “…”

Me: “But it’s not a hanky.”

DSD: “So you’re saying if I buy it, I’ll have a chance?”

Me: “A… chance?”

DSD: “With the ladies.”

Me: [gesturing towards the bar] “If you can find a lady out there, I’m sure you’ll have a shot.”

He bought the hat. But you know what’s funny? A couple of weeks ago, I had the following conversation with a drunk straight girl…

Drunk Straight Girl: “What do you think of this hat?”

Me: “What do I think of the hat on you, or what do I think of it in general?”

DSG: “On me.”

Me: “It’s a good color on you. Do you like it?”

DSG: [staring intently at me] “You’re very genuine.”

Me: “I try.”

DSG: “Do you like the hat?”

Me: “I like the gray one better than the maroon one.”

[She pulls a gray cap off the shelf and hands it to me. I put it on.]

DSG: “God, you just… put it on so effortlessly.”

Me: “… Thank you?”

DSG: “Do you have anything girlier?”

Me: “We do not.”

DSG: “Why not?”

Me: “Because most of our customers are gay men.”

DSG: “Oh. Huh.”

She took a moment to digest that, then decided to try on a harness. Except she forgot to take it off of the hanger, so she ended up just quietly dangling from the display until some friends finally noticed and came running over to untangle her.

I can’t help but think how romantic it would’ve been if these two had wandered into the store at the same time. It would’ve been like a Tom Hanks/Meg Ryan movie. Or When a Man Loves a Woman, with Tom Hanks taking over Andy Garcia’s part. Or maybe just a lost episode of Jersey Shore. I kinda feel like that last one is the most feasible.